Divorce: Insights from My Life

I think that so often we look at the event of divorce without considering all the things that a child goes through as a direct result of that event. The goal of this short writing is not to throw a bunch of persuasive facts and figures at you though there is plenty of that out their (perhaps consider reading The Broken Hearth, by William J. Bennett). In the same token this post is not attempting to be an in-your-face argument for those considering divorce or an indictment of parents who have divorced. I recognize that there our times when divorce is unavoidable and on occasion the right thing to do. I would be lying if I did not admit that I do hope what follows will make parents think long and hard about the real ramifications of divorce. Specifically, I hope to highlight the ongoing adverse effects that divorce has, or more accurately the series of events and experiences that I child must endure as the direct result of divorce.

My parents separated when I was just four years old and their divorce was finalized before my sixth birthday and yet, that event had an adverse and direct effect on several key moments in my life spanning all the way to my wedding some 18 years later. As a 30 year old adult this event has continued to add strain in my life affecting everything from time (my wife and I have 3 sets of grandparents to juggle during the holidays instead of two) to household duties (I missed out on a lot of the manly life lessons growing up…). I have not even mentioned the ongoing insecurities and additional issues I still struggle with as a direct result of my parents' divorce that have so strongly impacted my marriage and led to real doubts about my calling into ministry resulting in a 3 year hiatus from church ministry.

I think the church and society at large attempts to help individuals (both parents and children) through the event of divorce without addressing the ongoing effects of that event. Now here's the twist, I find that reality encouraging. This means that divorced parents, churches and other Christian role-models have an opportunity to do much more to help students through the whole process of divorce and protect from some of the negative experiences that I encountered. And this ultimately is what I am driving at in writing this. I do not want to beat parents up over what they have already done, I want to empower them to give their children the support they need (both spiritually and emotionally). The key do this is to see divorce not as a finite event in a child's life, but rather a process that truly has lifelong implications.