Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The Church's Response to Developmental Challenges

Today’s children, youth and adults face a wide array of challenges.  What help can developmental theory be in facing these challenges?  How can the church leverage developmental theory to better minister to children, youth and families?  Three challenges to children, youth and family that can be addressed in light developmental theory are: fractured nuclear families, adolescent abandonment, and society’s obsession with diagnosis.
Challenges Facing Children, Youth and Families
Fractured Nuclear Families
Garland (2012) rightly instructs, “A doctrine of family life fueled by judging who is ‘in’ and who is ‘out’ based on their family life situations needs to be carefully scrutinized” (88). The blending of two families can also be a difficult adjustment for family members.  If children respond negatively to change it is easy to focus on the responsive behaviors rather on the environment sparking the negative response.  Friedman (1985) points out, “In family relationships, as long as individuals focus primarily on the toxicity of their relatives’ behavior instead on what makes them vulnerable, they will fail to realize that it is a far healthier response to work on their own ‘cells,’ as a way of immunizing themselves against ‘insult.’  Actually, such responses accomplish more than self-protection; they also tend to modify the insulting behavior” (64). 
Adolescent Abandonment
Chap Clark (2011) states, “Systemic abandonment of adolescents as a people group seems to capture the widest range of descriptors used by careful observers of adolescent and adolescents themselves” (28).  Clark (2011) points to research that indicate that adolescents spend less than seven percent of their time with adults, including parents.  Last Sunday during a parent class I was leading, covering some of Clark’s work, a parent from our church admitted that she felt guilty that her preteen child wasn’t spending more time with peers.  She recognized that this guilt was driven by society’s message to segregate young people.  Another parent noted that once a child enters middle school parents are no longer encouraged to spend time in that child at school. 
Obsession with Diagnoses
Garland (2012) states, “If a child is told he is unkind he may believe it and be more likely to act unkindly.  Instead, naming the negative behavior helps the child come to terms with the behavior and not be overwhelmed by the parent’s negative opinion of his very personhood” (399-400).  This is exactly what is done when we are quick to have our children diagnosed.  Friedman (1985) notes, “The diagnosis of the individual family member stabilizes family homeostasis and makes it more difficult for the diagnosed member to change” (56).  Rockford, like many middle class communities, is quick to seek the diagnoses of children and other individuals whose behaviors are difficult to handle.  People are more than their diagnoses and God is bigger than diagnosed disorders. 
Challenges and Developmental Theory
Fractured Nuclear Families
             Various developmental theories (particularly Piaget’s cognitive developmental theory) make clear how important a caring relationship with parents is for the development of infants and young children.  Developmental theory also defines the roles that parents play in the development of children.  Defining these roles allows the church to seek ways to assist in feeling those roles through caring adults from the church, when parents are absent.  Developmental theory also sheds light on the challenges that young people will have when their families blend with another.  By identifying the reasons for these challenges churches can help families navigate this transition. 
Adolescent Abandonment
            Developmental theory allows for the church and families to recognize the needs of adolescents.  Two major needs include building meaningful relationships that will help them develop their identity, and be challenged through relationships with individuals who are more developmentally mature. 
Obsession with Diagnoses
            Imago Dei. 
            Estep and Kim (2010) state, “We are human because we are made in the image of God…The imago Dei is the definitive mark of our maker” (p. 11).  Humanity, men and women resemble in some small way, the Triune God.  All of humanity is made in the image of God, therefore, first and foremost, the “label” giving to individuals is imago Dei, not a diagnosis.  Individuals, regardless of their diagnosis, must be seen as “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalms 139:14). 
Developmental Identification.
A major gift of developmental theory is it focuses on who the individual currently is, not lamenting over who they are not.  By identifying the various developmental stages of an individual, he or she’s needs can be met, and the gospel can be communicated effectively.  Regardless of what diagnoses an individual has, identifying their stages of development will approve the effectiveness of ministry efforts directed at them.
Action Plan
Supporting Fractured and Blended Families
           The church must be sure that fractured and blended families are not excluded in any way while, at the same time, being realistic about negative impact divorce has on families.  We are clear about the potentially devastating effects of family fracturing.  We encourage a family systems approach to dealing with the many challenges divorce and remarriage can create.  The church is a place where young people dealing with the fracturing of their Family will be fostered into relationships with caring adults who will function as their “spiritual extended family.” 
Addressing Adolescent Abandonment
The church should seek to encourage parents to ignore societies’ instruction to abandon youth by making intentional times to be present with their children both at church and at other times.  This includes worship services and other church activities that are not age fragmented so parents and children can worship and learn about God together.  It is also crucial that the chruch be a place where young people will be fostered into relationships with caring adults who invest in their lives and seek to spend time with them.  Intergenerational worship, programs and events create time with parents and with other adults.
Combating the Obsession With Diagnosis
            Imago Dei.
            The church can regularly communicates to children and youth that over and above any label that they are beloved children of God, made in God’s image.  A phrase we use regularly with children and youth is “there is nothing you can do to make God love you any more or any less.”  RUMC believes that part of what it means to be imago Dei is that we are all recipients of God’s agape love, and we want our young people to understand that.  The church should also strives to communicate the gospel to individuals at their developmental level – regardless of how their development compares to their peers- those without “disorders.”  To accomplish this the church should attempt to address passages/topics from the perspective of multiple developmental levels.
            Family Systems Counseling.
The Church  should be clear that individuals within the congregation should not be defined by their diagnoses.  People are more than their diagnoses and God is bigger than diagnosed disorders. There will be times when the behavioral responses and emotional distresses of family members require professional help.  Based on Friedman’s (1985) thoughts concerning family systems theory, Rockford UMC will guide families to seek professional help from mental health practitioners who ascribe to family systems theory.  Family system’s counseling will prevent the approach of identifying which family member is “the problem” – generally a child or adolescent.  
Conclusion
Today’s children, youth and adults face a wide array of challenges.  Three challenges to children, youth and family that can be addressed in light developmental theory are: fractured nuclear families, adolescent abandonment, and society’s obsession with diagnosis.  Developmental theory sheds light on how the church can minister to children, youth and families who are impacted by these challenges.  the church addresses these challenges by fostering supportive relationships within the church, communicating imago Dei and encourage a family system’s approach to therapy over diagnosing the “problem individual.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Wives AND Husbands submit to one another...

Spirit-Guided Relationships: Wives and Husbands

21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.[b]27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.
When Laura and I married on June 18, 2005 we decided that we wanted to have a foot washing as part of the event.  I was still in my "whizkid" stage, reveling in upsetting the equilibrium of our theologically conservative friends and family.  For this reason I was dead set on the idea that I would wash Laura's feet, and not the other way around.

Despite my immature bravado, nearly 10 years later, I think I was really on to something.  I still believe that many Christians are confused about what Ephesians 5 is actually saying to husbands.  What follows is something I wrote, and the pastor read during our wedding ceremony.  My general attitude has changed over the last 9 1/2 years, but these words still resonate in my heart. 
"Very few of us have trouble understanding the concept of wives serving their husbands.  Often times though, we are confused about what it means for a husband to be the head of a household.  This passage radically changes our understanding of what a husbands authority really entails.  By comparing a husband's relationship with his wife to Jesus' relationship with the church, all ideas of domination and entitlement are removed.  All authority in Heaven and earth were at Jesus' disposal, yet it was manifested on his knees.  The Master humbled himself and became the servant by washing his followers feet.  This is the example husbands are commanded to follow and  that is why this event (my washing of Laura's feet) has just taken place." I fail daily at this, but the spirit of these words still resonated in my brain, and weighs on my heart.  I have striven, am striving, and will continue to strive to leave my sense of entitlement at the door.  This has been a great reminder over the past month or so as I attempt to support Laura during a difficult time - attempting to check my selfishness, and frustrations.