1. Learn to
Listen and Ask Questions, Not Lecture
Powell, K.E. & Clark, C. (2011). Sticky faith. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
According to Powell and Clark (2011), “One of the most
important pieces of sticky faith communication advice we can share is this:
never explain something to your kid if you can ask a question instead”
(77). Parents seem to have a way of
talking at their children instead of two them.
My father communicated to me in my adolescents (and beyond) by lecturing
me. My glazed looks and wandering eyes
went unnoticed as “he said what he needed to say.” I remember one instance where my dad was
talking at (not to) my girlfriend (who is now my wife) and he actually took a
break to talk about why he was talking so much.
As parents we want our children to learn from our mistakes
so they don’t make the same ones, but Powell and Clark (2011) rightly point
out, “Parents lecturing kids hasn’t worked…Picture you and your child talking
about premarital sex. Does your child
know what you think about it? Does your
child know what you would want to say about it?
Odds are good that the answer to both is yes” (77-78). Our communication with children needs to
help them come to their own understanding of what Christ would have them do,
not force our views down their throats.
2. Use Humble Words: Make Requests not Demands
Chapman, G. (2010). The
5 love languages: the secret to love that lasts (4th
edition). Chicago, IL: Northfield
Publishing.
Chapman writes, “Love makes demands, not requests. When I demand things from my spouse, I become
a parent and she the child” (45). Within
a marriage the need for a partnership instead of a “boss/servant” relationship
is clear. I believe that having a
family-wide partnership is beneficial.
Children certainly need boundaries and expectations to grow, but those
expectations can be communicated in terms of a family partnership rather than a
parent run dictatorship.
3. Conflict Resolution: Five Steps
Woodward, O. (2011). Resolved:
13 Resolutions for LIFE. Flint, MI: Obstacles Press, Inc.
According to Woodward (2011) the five steps to conflict
resolution are:
1.
Affirm the Relationship
2.
Seek to Understand
3.
Seek to be Understood
4.
Own Responsibility by Apologizing
5.
Seek Agreement (223).
As family we all care about each other, and it is important
to reminder each of that before we tackle a conflict. Any time there is a conflict it is easy for
us to focus on our own feelings and needs.
Intentionally seeking to understand the others involved before we try to
be understood helps us to get our focus of ourselves. The reality is that both/all parties have
wronged the other and we need to learn to apologize. It is often easy to say “sorry” but it is
sometimes much harder specifically admit what we have done wrong and accept the
consequences involved. When we are able
to understand the other family member’s perspective and admit our wrong doing
it is much easier to agree on a new course of action to prevent repeat
conflicts. I have seen extreme examples
of families who these steps towards resolution are ignored. They are trapped on a “carousel of doom,”
destined to enter the same conflicts over and over again.
4. Share Stories of Future Hope
Scott Cormode begins by stating:
I define vision as "a shared story of future
hope." Vision is designed to change people and to entice them to
participate in a change that is larger themselves. People do not grab onto a
plan, nor do they assent to abstract beliefs. That does not change them.
Instead, people are
transformed when they participate in a story—one that sets them
on a trajectory.
Whether
one is trying make major changes to a church of 1,000 or to the culture of a
nuclear family, it will be difficult.
Using narrative, specifically stories that embody what a family or
institution wants to become, change can be embraced more easily. Eventually “my story” becomes “our
story.” I am not forcing my vision upon you;
I am inviting you to become part of a story.
I
see this strategy being especially helpful for families who have been through a
tragedy, such as a divorce or death of a member. Perhaps a shared story from the past that
embodies what the family wants to be about even after the loss will cast a
vision. Maybe it’s a story for the
parent’s childhood that is owned in hopes of making a similar story in the
present of near future. A story about
another family who has faced a similar loss who has become a thriving family
can be the future hope that is needed.
5. Increase Topics of Conversation
Lee,
N. and Lee S. (2000). The marriage Book. Deerfield,IL:
Alpha North America.
We
may find as husband and wife, parent and child, or any other family relationship we
have, that our topics of conversation are limited. In such a case Lee and Lee (2000) suggest,
“It will require a conscious decision to show am interest in what our husband
or wife (or child) already enjoys” (52).
By entering into new territory as we participate in the interests of our
family it gives them permission to share about a topic they care about but it
also allows us to share our thoughts and feelings about our new experience.
6. Use Non Verbal Signals that Match Up With Your Words.
I am admittedly terrible at this. When I am passionate my gestures and other
signals say that I am angry or agitated.
Likewise, when I am thinking about what is being said to me I tend to
break eye contact as I contemplate what is being said. This sends the signal that I am not paying
attention. Thinking about what your
non-verbal ques are saying and intentionally making sure that your cues match
you words and message is a necessary step to good communication.
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